Fearful Heart
by Holly version 2.0
Summary: Casey Novak has fallen in love with Olivia Benson but never had enough courage to tell her. When she finally does, someone comes back into the picture. Takes place during the episode "Ghost".
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So, not too sure where I am going with this. Maybe a few chapters, if that. Takes places during GHOST when Alex comes back. Please review; I would love some feedback!**

**Disclaimers: I do not own any of the characters. Dick Wolf does; that lucky man!**

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_**I don't think Olivia knew how much she was hurting me... **_

The detective continues to talk to her partner in the other room. I can only imagine what they are saying behind the pane of class. I sigh and look away, a tongue running along my lower lip in thought.

How could she know the ache she brought to my heart? I never revealed my feelings for her. I never built up enough courage to explain how my heart pained for her. I could never bring myself to explain why I always fought with her; never told her it was because I didn't know how else to interact with her without unraveling my true feelings. It was a front. A mask I put on so I would prevent my heart from experiencing the pain of rejection and the burn of embarrassment. Yet, it felt nothing but torment and misery ever since the caramel eyed detective came into my life.

I came to the conclusion that it was time: Time to reveal it all to Olivia. Time to confront my fears. Time to stop my trembling heart from the torture I put it through. And it would be now. I begin to recite the words I will utter to her.

The monologue seems to be memorized after the several times I have gone over it. I'm nervous but somehow I know it is the best thing to do. I push myself off the desk as I see her leave the room; luckily by herself. I give a small smile to her appearing form.

"Olivia, I wanted to tal-," she interrupts me.

"Alex is back! She is going to appear for trial to testify against Liam Connors. I thought I would never get to see her again!"

All color fades from my face as my heart crashes to the ground along with my courage. Now I know not from which to take my cue; I want to speak but know not what to say. Alex Cabot has returned for trial and I can't believe the woman is back in Olivia's life. I choke back a sob when I see happiness consume the brunette's face. For once I want to be the one who brings a smile upon her features. For once I want to be the one who makes her eyes shine. I begin to think it is too much to ask for.

I had just recently discovered that Alex wasn't dead but indeed alive and well. I arrested the man for a crime he didn't commit and the judge almost had my head. How the hell was I suppose to know she was in witness protection? I had no clue she would risk coming back to testify and even though it would now help my case, I couldn't help but feel the overwhelming feeling of dread weigh my body down.

I avert my gaze so she cannot see the misty tears that begin to coat my eyes with hurt. I give a curt nod and attempt a broken smile, as if I am happy to hear such dreadful news. I suddenly wish I did not exist. I wish this was a bad dream, but I am not that lucky.

"Sorry, Case, what were you going to say?" Her stance changes ever so slightly.

_Please__don't__call__me__by__my__nickname_, I beg. It only beckons my heart to weep.

"Nevermind. It was nothing," I lie. I lie straight through my teeth. "I actually have to go." I don't bother to wait for a response from the woman who had successfully shot me down. I leave with urgency, trembling in this drunken state. I begin to sob inwardly at such misery. I imagine she doesn't even wonder why I left in such a hurry. Why should she?

I didn't understand this. I didn't understand why I was becoming so weak. I was unraveling and couldn't find the thread to stop until I was nothing. No one and nothing has ever affected me in such a way where it interferes with my life. Ha, what life? I breathed law and order. It was all I had which was a depressing thought of it's own.

The tears slip over my eyes and down my cheeks. They fall freely to the floor with each step I take. I rarely walk with my head hung low like a girl who got caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar. But I can't help it. There is nothing giving me a reason to keep my head up and my eyes forward. Her words are ringing in my mind like church bells; forcing me to remember something I wish to forget.

Just as my hand meets the door, I hear the familiar ring tone emit from my purse. Wiping away those stray tears, I try and see the name that matches the number. It's _her._ A sharp pang stabs my heart and I wonder what she could possibly want.

Sniffling hard, I look around, a look of anguish painted across my face. I don't know what I am searching for. Perhaps my strength, my courage...anything to help stop this pain my heart is feeling. With a shaky hand, I flip open my phone and take a deep breath, trying to control my breathing and fainting heart.

"...Novak."

"_You left in a hurry. You forgot your file on the case."_

"Oh," my heart sinks even deeper into my stomach; I didn't know it was possible. Of course she wouldn't notice my torment. Normally Olivia was quick to notice when I wasn't okay, but Alex seemed to take priority over her thoughts and intuition.

"_Have you left the building? I can rush it over to you."_

"No." I say a bit all too quickly. "I mean...no...don't bother. I have left. I'm just going over to Judge Moyer's office and I will be back later. Just leave it on your desk and I will get it later...please," I know I sound harsh, but it's my best defense mechanism. It's all I have.

"_Um...okay. Sure. Well...have a good night. Bye, Casey."_

"Bye Olivia."

Click.

With a push, I leave the building, enjoying the fresh air as much as I can that fill my lungs. I feel sick. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. All I want to do is forget everything. A strong drink will help suppress my thoughts and emotions but only for so long. I wish I didn't have to self-medicate. I wish I didn't rely on the alcohol or the pain killers to relieve my sadness. But I did.

Tomorrow would be the day I finally meet the famous Alex Cabot. I don't think I could go through with it...


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. College finals like to get in the way. Not sure I like this chapter, blah. Hope you at least kind of enjoy it. Not really sure where I was going with this, but shhhh. Next chapter will be from Olivia's POV. Please review on whether or not I should continue! Thanks!**

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_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Morning already?

I open my eyes, not needing to blink away the sleep; I didn't get any to begin with. I remain upon my bed, my tired eyes staring at the flashing numbers in neon lights. With a sigh I rise from my bed and run a hand through my hair, my mind racing with thoughts of Alex and Olivia. I don't think I can finish this case...

I flinch at the sight that greets me in the bathroom. A night of weeping certainly shows. I wish more than anything that I had any other job. The doubts plague my mind and I fear there is no stopping it from interfering with my ability to win this case to get justice for that little boy and to get justice for Alex. I furrow my brows and decide to finish getting ready. Just because I can feel my heart breaking, I know the world won't stop turning for me.

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In a nervous manner, my finger tips run along my lips while I think of how much I am dreading this meeting. I blame my behavior on the fact that this case will be difficult. It seems to fool most of my colleagues along with Elliot, Fin, and Munch. Yet, Olivia is in a whole other world. A world that consists only of Alex Cabot. A world that does not have any room for me, Casey Novak. The recent event brings fresh tears to my emerald eyes.

I refuse to allow myself to cry. Not in front of others; not while I am in the squad room where everyone knows me as the relentless, heartless ice-queen. Quickly, I blink away those tears before they can be shed, luckily in time to hear my name being called.

"Casey," I turn around to the voice I am so fond of, "Alex is here," her smile could blind with how brightly it shines.

I wonder if she detected that my heart had sank. I doubt it when she turns around, indicating I need to follow her to where the ex-A.D.A is. With a nod I follow behind, feeling sick to my stomach. I want to quit right here and now, just run away from the inevitable. I feel childish, a fool even. I hate that my heart is controlling my mind, affecting my life and career in such a way. Who knew I would fall so hard for the detective. Who knew she had such a hold on me that I would easily do anything for her. And how funny it was she had no idea.

Before we enter the room, I mentally prepare myself; I put up what emotional armor I have left and hope to whatever God that I can get through this. When my eyes set sight on the blonde I can see why any hot-blooded human would fall in love with her. She is gorgeous. Tall, thin, sharp features. If she took off those glasses I would have mistaken her for a model.

Olivia's phone goes off and soon I find her telling us she will be right back, leaving me alone with the beautiful blonde. I hope Alex can't read how much distaste I have for her solely because she owns the heart I so badly wished to win.

"So, you must be Casey Novak, the A.D.A handling the case," she smiles and holds out her hand. Great. She is beautiful and sweet.

I reluctantly take her hand and shake it.

"It would seem so. Welcome back from the dead. You're taking a big risk coming out of Witness Protection."

"For Justice, I would just about do anything. Anyway, I figure we can go over my testimony. I took the liberty to write up some questions you can ask me."

"Thought I was the one prosecuting," I say a bit harshly, "but, I'll look at them. I am assuming they won't be too different from the ones I was going to write up."

She gives an apologetic smile which in turns makes me feel guilty. I can tell she is one to take the high road when it comes to petty arguments.

"Sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound that way. I just figured I could make your life a bit easier by doing so. I meant no disrespect to your way of going about it. I am sure you are more than capable of doing a good job."

I feel the anger build up within in my body and it takes all I have not to retort back with something snide and cruel. My temper often gets the best of me and I know it isn't a becoming quality. I'm saved by the boys entering the room with coffee.

It seems they had already met up with Alex by the way they say hi to her so casually. That itself irks me. Why was I the last to meet with her? Shouldn't have I been the first, considering it is _me_ that is going to put this man away for life?

The anger quickly flees from me and is replaced by rejection when Olivia enters the room. It's as if there are magnets placed in the two women and she is automatically drawn to her. I might as well have not existed. The detective didn't even acknowledge me but instead went straight to the blonde. I have never seen her so happy. When I see them interact, I can't help but feel the sadness wash over me.

My blanching face reveals my fainting heart. Of course she doesn't notice; her eyes are focused on the blonde beauty, her heart beating for the ex- A.D.A. I quickly avert my eyes and excuse myself from the room; getting questioning glances from Elliot and the others. I simply cannot take it. The jealousy hits me like a plague; devouring my heart until it physically hurts to beat.

The second I am free from prying eyes, I bathe the Earth with bitter tears; so grief-stricken that I could barely catch my breath. My face proclaims the agony I feel and I have no clue if I will be able to handle this case anymore.

I hear two people coming down the hall and I quickly wipe away my tears and recompose myself the best I can. It's Olivia and Alex. My brows instantly knit together. The beating of my heart physically hurts as it attempts to rip from my chest. I pin myself against the wall and listen intently to the two.

"I'll stay with you tonight. I want to make sure you're safe."

"Thanks, Liv," Alex responds, most likely followed by a smile, I presume.

"How's pizza sound?"

I cover my mouth to stop a sob from escaping past my lips so I will not give away my location. This hurts more than I can imagine. Pushing myself off the wall, I head the opposite way of the two as quickly as I can. The tears feel never ending and I have come to despise the act of crying. It seems it is all I ever do anymore.

I don't want this life anymore.

**A/N: Please review! Thanks so much for reading! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Soooo sorry for the huge delay! Was busy being way too social; ugh! Haha. Thank you so much for waiting! Hope you enjoy this next chapter. Takes place during the night Olivia is staying with Alex. Would love if you reviewed! 3**

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

Must be the pizza guy.

"Coming," I call out as I smile to Alex.

The pizza smells great as I trade the money for the delicious Italian cuisine. I ordered it with the toppings Alex loves; mushroom and Canadian bacon. We had grown to memorize our favorite dishes over the years of late nights.

"I'm starved," the blonde says as I near the table for two.

"Good, I got a large."

As I place the food down I can't help but feel overjoyed. I had missed my old friend dearly. I thought I would never see the ex-A.D.A again. It was a bit surreal still. I fear I am dreaming and I will wake up to find none of this is true. I shake the thoughts from my mind when Alex asks why I have such a broad smile upon my face. I lightly chuckle as I hand her a slice.

"Just happy to see you again."

"I'm happy to see you, too, Olivia. I've missed you." I feel my heart flutter. "And the boys. I miss everyone down at SVU. I miss all the familiar faces." Suddenly I feel a bit let down to the added people she had mentioned.

I gently bite my lower lip in thought. There has always been this connection between Alex and I that we both acknowledged. I found myself growing more fond of her as the months turned into years. I could have sworn I sensed her heart yearn for me as mine did for her. Yet, for some reason, neither of us ever took that next step. Maybe we would have another chance. I can feel my heart beat a bit faster at the idea. I stop before I get ahead of myself.

"How have you been?" I pause, my burnished copper eyes searching her piercing blues and I know she knows what I truly mean.

There's a moment of silence.

"I'm doing alright." She gives a pause, looking at her pizza. "For living a different life, I suppose. I'm as happy as I can be...the job I have can't even compare to what I had. It's just different, you know?" She is averting her eyes, as if she wants to tell me something but doesn't know how. I give her a reassuring look before she continues.

"I'm seeing this wonderful guy," suddenly I don't feel so happy anymore, "but," she pauses and furrows her brows. I wonder if it is I who caused her to look so disheartened. "I don't like having to lie to the new friends I have made. To my boyfriend. It bothers me each night we go to bed and he calls me Emily. I'm not Emily...I'm Alex," she sighs and shakes her head.

I feel like a complete jerk. My own brows furrow in concern. I never thought about how much her life had changed. I never realized Alex would have to live a whole different one. I feel selfish for not taking that all into consideration.

"Alex...I am so sorry to hear that. That must be so hard," my hand reaches over the table and I cup her forearm, giving her a sympathetic squeeze. She smiles lightly; that beautiful smile that lights up my heart. I had missed her so much and all I can think of is keeping her to myself. This is when the jealousy sets in.

"Well, you can see why I was more than eager to return home."

She smiles and I give her a small one in return. Silence befalls upon us and we eat a few bites of our pizza. Why did this suddenly become so awkward? She must of sensed something shift in me; it was only my heart being weighed down with the sad fact of reality. And that reality was Alex and I would never become something. I could read it in her eyes. They were soft, delicate, and caring, but they bore the truth in them.

How badly I wanted to ask if she was happy; truly happy with that man. How badly I wanted her to tell me know and how much she truly missed me. I wanted to hear her say she hadn't felt happy since she left because when she did there was a void that could only be filled by me. I knew I set the bar too high. I knew how foolish I was being but I still couldn't stop my mind from coming up with these outlandish ideas.

Alex breaks the oddly uncomfortable silence as if she knows what is going on through my head which I am grateful for yet dislike the question she chose to ask.

"So, what is new in the world of Olivia?"

"Same old stuff, Alex, same old stuff."

"Typical detective answer," she says with that signature grin that can melt glaciers.

"I'm serious," it's half true. There is no need to bog her down with the typical troubles that come with my job.

"What? Still not seeing anyone, Liv?"

My heart stumbles from her question and I find myself subconsciously placing my hand over it as if I can catch it from falling to the floor. I quickly mask my infernal emotions and give her a half smile with a shake of my head. I want to tell her the truth. That I haven't had must interest in anyone since she was forced to leave. But I don't.

"No one has really peaked my interest."

"Well," her brows rise, "What about that Casey Novak, gal? She's a pretty one. A bit abrasive but I am sure you just need to get to know her."

I know my brow has raised high and a skeptical look is upon my face. Casey Novak? Why on Earth would Alex think I had any interest in her? Well, now that it was brought up, I couldn't deny that I didn't find the A.D.A attractive. Yet, I never really thought anything of it.

"What about her?" I ask, a bit nonchalant, suddenly having much more interest in the content on this pizza than I do about where this is going.

"God, Liv, you really haven't changed," she breathes a light chuckle. "You choose to be oblivious at the worst times in your life."

"What are you even talking about?" I ask quite seriously. I wonder where she is going with this.

"You really don't see how badly Casey is crushing over you? I talked to the woman for five minutes and even _I_ could detect it! I would say it is even past the crush stage and has evolved into flying but soon to fall stage."

"Alex, what are we, high schoolers?" We both give a light laugh. "But...no...," my brown eyes stare down at the table, "I doubt she is into women let alone me. Alex, you wouldn't believe how much we argue. It's like we're an old, bitter married couple but without the tax break," I smile when she chuckles. God, she is beautiful.

"Well, she is an attorney, Liv. You just hate having an argument with one of us because you know you're going to lose. But, you're avoiding the subject matter, Olivia."

"I do not always lose, thank you!"

She sighs with a shake of her head, leaning back in her chair with her arms crossed. Oh, no, she is going to drill me.

"You really hadn't noticed, Novak?"

I shake my head no in all honesty. My brows knit together in thought, trying to recall anytime where Casey may have shown interest. It would make sense that I had never noticed considering my thoughts and heart were on Alex. Yet, could I be blamed for not recognizing the signs when the A.D.A and I argued over cases and our performances; always accusing each other of not doing their job.

"No, considering her and I point fingers all the time. I, mean, it's like she is searching for a fight."

"Defense mechanism." She states rather simply. "She is probably afraid of you discovering that she likes you. Makes sense. I would probably do the same if I was getting flustered over you."

I feel my cheeks burn with a blush and hope she can't see it.

"You should look into, Liv."

I give a shrug and take a swig of my beer. I'm not sure if Alex is telling me this because she just wants me to be happy or if she is trying to get me off her. I know she is a bright woman and has to know I am still craving her. Has to know I am not over her.

"Why?" I have to ask even though I am afraid of the answer.

"So you can have a shot at happiness. Companionship. Move on with your life, Liv."

For some reason I feel myself getting a bit defensive, knowing I have to get angry instead of sad. That last statement had to be personal and it caused my heart to weep internally. She must sense it because she interjects before I can retort.

"Okay, let's drop it. I'm sorry I was pushing you."

"Yeah," I sigh and run a hand through my hair. "I'm going to go get the couch set up."

As I get up, I can't figure out why I was so upset. It must have been a combination of the obvious rejection from the woman who I have been in love with for many years or the fact that she was right; that I should start seeking other people and move on; that maybe I should learn more about Casey. I almost wanted to groan in frustration.

I'm guessing 15 minutes or so had passed considering when Alex interrupted me she was in her pjs. Even if a two piece-pant pjs she still looked stunning.

"Thanks for staying with me, Liv. And I am sorry again if I offended you."

Those ice-blue eyes sing sincerity and I can't help but give her a small smile and nod of acknowledgment.

"It's okay, Alex." I throw the pillow on the couch and she smiles.

"Night."

"Good-night," I bite my lower lip, wishing I could say a pet name.

Once she left into the other room, I fall onto the fold-out mattress with a deep sigh. My mind is racing with thousands of thoughts; all which seem to be disheartening and sorrow-filled. I begin to wonder how I will officially start my agonizing struggle to get over the blue-eyed beauty. I never realized how badly reality hurt. I never guessed it would cause my heart of stone to feel such pain. Blinking away some fresh tears, I roll over and wish for some many things to be different.

I had a feeling I wouldn't be getting much sleep tonight.


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